Dear Ellie,

Four years ago today, Jesus carried you home. A picture that someone gave us hangs in the living room as living proof. As I stare at it right now, it is the closest thing I can relate to. It shows Jesus carrying you on his hip. He is walking away with you into the clouds. How beautiful is that scene! I often look up at it. Usually at night after the day is done and I settle down to think about things I am thankful for. You come to mind each time I think of these things.

Elaine Merideth,
Your name is so sacred. You were named after a wonderful woman. She is your great grandmother and my grandmother. I am sure you saw her face the day Jesus walked you into the gates of heaven. I hoped that she was one of the first people you met. She was a strong person. She was loving, caring and gave everything of herself so others would have more. I lost a part of my heart the day she was called home. Your middle name is sacred to us as well. It is your grandmother's maiden name, the name that all 6 of your great aunts and uncles carry and a beautiful name at that. I can still picture your grandmother's face when we announced the full name that we would give you. She was glowing and grinning from ear to ear. That is a precious moment that I will never forget.

A lot has happened in the four years we have walked life's path without you. I continue to ache each and every day for you. Sometimes my arms hurt which can only mean that I miss the days so much when I would hold you. Now I hold you in my heart and see you in my dreams. Your sweet face. You are always smiling. Something that was always so obvious when you were here. You have a little sister! Gabrielle Kathleen Chamness is 2 1/2 now. She is wearing a shirt today with your picture on it. On the shirt is one of my most favorite photos that was taken of you shortly before your death. Gabby points to this picture and tells others about you. She says, "this is Baby Ellie". She knows your name. Even though Gabby can only see pictures of you on the wall and in frames throughout the house as proof of your existence, I know you two have met! I know you were with us all throughout my pregnancy with Gabby. I know that you were present in spirit the day she came into this world. I felt you next to my head with Daddy. With you by my side, I was reassured that everything was going to be okay. I pictured you, our family in heaven, your buddy, Preston and the angels dancing the day our second miracle, Gabby, took her first breath! She is so much like you. So full of life! She has your strength and ability to make anyone smile. That was one thing that gave me the butterflies inside often. You often made others laugh and smile. You would coo, grunt and squeal just to get someone to look at you. When they looked, they would hurry over to you always. The two of you would interact back and forth. Some of my most memorable moments of you were when you made others laugh.

Ellie, I often wonder what life would be like if you were still with us! You would be starting Kindergarten in the Fall! I look at children your age and my heart aches for you. Just one more day. One more day to hold you tighter, kiss your sweet cheeks longer, talk to you and tell you every single thing I never got the chance to tell you. Like how honored I am to be your mother, how proud I am of you for reaching medical milestones no doctor ever thought you would do, how every day was made that much brighter when the first thing I would see each morning was your sweet face. Oh how I miss that everyday now! I love you with all of my heart and soul Ellie!

But the truth is, I pray you already knew these things when your time on this Earth was up. I pray that you sensed these things through my touch and in my voice. A part of me has let go of the selfish need to have you here again. A little piece of me is able to smile because I know deep in my heart that Heaven gained a special angel the day Jesus carried you home. He gave you the biggest set of wings he could find.

I love you today just as much as the day you were born. The day the nurse placed you near my head and I looked into your eyes. The day that I could admit that I finally knew what everyone meant when they said, "it took my breath away"! I am a better person because of you sweetie and thank God everyday for giving me the gift of you!

Ellie, you made this world a better place. You touched so many lives and allowed others to open their hearts. People were made stronger. People are kinder. People give more, listen more, laugh more...all because of you! I know this because these are all of the ways that you changed my life!

I am a firm believer that out of every trial and tribulation comes good. Through your death, others came forward to lend their support. I was blessed to reconnect with an old friend that I now call a best friend. Even though she had never gotten the wonderful opportunity to meet you, she feels she knows you through all of the stories I have told about you. I promise to continue to teach her all about you.

Another friend that Mommy met at Riley Hospital continues to be a best friend as well. She lost her little boy not too soon before we lost you. She has been blessed with the gift of two more children and we can relate to each other when it comes to losing a child. We laugh together and cry together. We help each other through the bad days which seem to sneak up on us at times. We talk about our feelings and we see eye to eye because we have walked in each others path at one point in time of our grieving process. We give more of ourselves because of the valuable life lessons both you and Preston taught us.

Others that either witnessed you on a regular basis or heard our story at an event or read about you were touched by you. They told me, they hugged me, they looked into my eyes and thanked me for sharing. I stopped them and reminded them that Ellie was the one to thank. You are the real reason life is a better place.

In closing I will sing a little song to you that I sing to your little sister daily. It is something that I made up and started singing to her when she was an infant. She has learned the words and sings along now.

"Your mamma's baby, Your mamma's baby, Your mamma's baby...Shiny and Bright
Your mamma's baby, Your mamma's baby, Never Grow Up and Go Out of Sight".

I pray that you never stop giving me signs that you are with us Ellie. I look for these daily and treasure them when they come.

Today, like each and every day, we honor you. Tonight, we will hold a mass in your name at church. Four roses will be placed on the alter along with your picture. I will place a fifth one on the alter because you would have been five years old this year. After dinner, we will let a balloon go in honor of your life and the many ways we are blessed because of you. Catch it will you?

I love you with all of my heart,
Mommy

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