I have been thinking so much lately about so many things. I think that blogger is great for journaling those feelings and serves as a great way, in my mind, to let these feelings out. My friend, Courtney, titled a post recently "free verse". It was her way of typing and just seeing where the words took her. So here goes...
I just want to tell my Dad that I am so proud of him! He reads this blog daily and will know exactly what I am talking about when he reads this! Keep up the great work and thank you for all the happiness you bring to our lives!
Why is it so hard to balance work and family? If anyone has any great answers to this question...please comment! It seems that I have my good days at this and then there are the bad. Maybe planning in advance would be better...or being more organized...or maybe if I just didn't obsess about this and dwell, this problem would take care of itself! For example, I am off of work today. Spring Break, daycare is closed and Jeff needs to work. Well, instead of Jeff working, he and my dad decided to go to Bass Pro in Clarksville. Have fun! So, I thought Gabby and I would take advantage of this time and do all kinds of fun things today! Maybe the zoo, McDonalds, Von Maur, the library, Stride Rite, etc. I had all of these great plans last night! Ok...why is it that I am sitting here typing at 3pm instead of doing the things that I had planned? Gabby is napping and this is obviously a non-negotiable. 18 month old + no nap= TMTH(too much to handle). But, this morning, all we did was eat breakfast, watch Elmo, play with Cooper and go to O'Charley's. I did not accomplish anything on the list that I had planned. And I don't seem to be too motivated to get in the van and go once she wakes up either. Bum Bum Bum Bum Bum! How am I ever going to be motivated enough to be a good stay at home mommy one day!?! Then, tomorrow will come and I will be so mad at myself for not jam packing the day and go go going. Argh!
Lastly, I have been thinking about Ellie so much lately. Something I have noticed about myself is that I tend to think about things in advance. For Ellie's birthday, I got into this "funk" around mid December where all I was doing was thinking about her and her birth and the time we spent at Riley Hospital. Almost as if she was born in December instead of January...4 years ago. By the time Ellie's actual birthday arrived I felt as though I had already processed it. Some people may think this is a good thing because you would think that I would be stronger on her actual birthday, anniversary, etc. Who knows! All I know is that right now I struggle with trying to understand why Gabby will never know who Ellie actually was and the impact she made on people. I struggle with ways that I can teach Gabby all about Ellie when she looks at pictures of her and says, "baby"! I struggle with how I daydream a lot lately about what our family would have looked like with 4 instead of 3. Would Ellie and Gabby have gotten along or fought like sisters do, been competitive, wore matching clothes, share the same room? Now, as her anniversary approaches, I find myself at the end of March thinking about her...even though her anniversary is not until April 17. I have been thinking about the day she died. The paramedics, Riley Hospital staff, the Ronald McDonald House, friends and family that supported us, the ones that are still around and the ones that disappeared. I got out Ellie's scrapbooks yesterday and looked through each one. I noticed that Ellie was baptized on April 17, 2005 and exactly one year later to the day she died. I was overwhelmed with emotion. First, I could not believe that I had never noticed this. Secondly...I miss her! I miss her with all of my heart and would give anything to have her back here with us! I know that God had bigger plans. I am confident that heaven must sure be beautiful with her there!
4 comments:
Thanks for the shout out! I absolutely love reading your blog. I'm sure God is letting Ellie influence Gabby in small ways that will shape her character and as Gabby grows into a beautiful young woman, Ellie will shine through!
Oh Katie - I'm reading this at work and I'm having a hard time not crying! You all are a family of 4 - it's like your comment above - Gabby is with you on earth and Ellie is in Heaven. It must be so hard though and I can't begin to understand how often you must think about her!
You have a way with words - and they keep Ellie's memory alive :)
I love this post! You are such a special person and are a wonderful wife, mommy, and friend. Keep up everything you are doing. Ellie and Gabby are both the luckiest little girls in the world to have such a caring and loving mommy like you! Know that I am here for you and always will be. We will NEVER lose contact again! Love ya!
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